Many people these days don't know how to handle conflict. Not only actual conflict, but any tension or confrontation or the slightest disagreement. They don't speak for themselves.
- Instead of sorting things out with a coworker, they go running to their manager.
- Instead of handling an issue with a relative, they drag in another family member.
- Instead of bringing up an annoyance with a neighbor, they complain to the HOA.
Had they spoken with the individual, they could've resolved the problem. They could've cleared the air. Instead, they stirred up drama and extended the discomfort to more people.
I believe the first step is to address the issue with the person directly. We're all adults. So act like adults. If you have a problem with someone, go talk with him or her. Work it out together.
The other person may not even be aware of a problem. They may not know how you feel. If you have a grievance, it's your responsibility to raise the issue: "I didn't appreciate it when you said that" or "I don't like it when you do this. Please stop."
There are a few possible outcomes:
1. They will apologize and stop - your problem is resolved.
2. They've already stopped. The problem occurred in the past, so whether or not they apologize, there's no change to be made.
3. They won't stop because - though you may not like the way they handle a project or decorate their lawns - they are within their rights to do it.
4. They won't stop. They're violating some law or policy. And it bothers or harms you.
In most cases, either you will have resolved the issue or found closure. Only in the last scenario may escalation be needed.
Switching gears, I want to talk about the peacekeepers and arbiters. Often they step into, or are forced into, this undesirable role. They carry a burden not theirs to bear. They feel obligated to be involved.
People complain about a teammate to the boss, who has to play go-between. Or worse, it involves a separate team, so then their boss goes to talk with the other person's boss. It bogs down the organization with unnecessary drama and wastes everybody's time.
When I see this, I want to tell the managers: These people are adults. Leave them be and let them deal with it. You're not their babysitter.
To be clear, I'm not talking about harassment or illegal issues. Just matters of interpersonal conflict, work habits, and so on. Offer support and advice, but you don't have to intervene yourself. By stepping in, you stunt the growth of your people.
Likewise, I've seen this happen at home. My mom is often the voice of reason between my grandma and her brother. My grandma and an aunt or uncle. My grandma and her caretaker. Okay, there is a least common denominator here. My mom gets so stressed. I tell her: Mom, stop getting involved. Grandma is a grown woman. Let her deal with her own messes.
Adults should act like adults and speak for themselves. And for those they run to, the loving thing is to let them be adults.